I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
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“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun