I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
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🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation