Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
You Might Also Like
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Friday night party time 🥳
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.