It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
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If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor