Waiting for the Charmin
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Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Any refunds available?…
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Meme Monday.