“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
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i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Damn he played himself
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form