This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
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The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Y’all know who you are.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.