Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
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[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it