Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
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Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
that wasn’t the question
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.