Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
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Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬