Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
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*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.