Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
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Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby