My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
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Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
What
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
wtf is an acronym
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*