Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
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People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there