My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
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boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life