[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
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Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Stop sending me this shit.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.