Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
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A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot