Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
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Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me: