I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
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My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it