The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
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Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
How actors in movies eat their food
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil