If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
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Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern