But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
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I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.