Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
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When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them