Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
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Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.