when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
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TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.