“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
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Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
hackers play passwordle
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.