Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?