God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
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I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.