[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
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The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”