i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
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I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
My dog ate my work from home.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower