[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
My hips? Compulsive liars.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
who did the taste test?
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I can’t stop watching this.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I created you as mosquito food.
Squirrels before girls.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”