My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
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Once again not all heroes wear capes
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes