Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
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My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Why aren鈥檛 more people talking about this?
Why do they put stools in bars? They鈥檙e like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Where do cicadas go when they鈥檙e not screaming? I鈥檇 like to go there and scream.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87掳.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
鈿笍馃煣馃煝鈿笍馃煛
馃煝鈿笍鈿笍馃煛鈿笍
馃煛鈿笍馃煣鈿笍馃煝
馃煣鈿笍鈿笍馃煝馃煛
鈿笍馃煝馃煛鈿笍馃煣
馃煛鈿笍馃煣鈿笍鈿笍
鈿笍馃煣鈿笍馃煛馃煝
馃煝鈿笍馃煛馃煣鈿笍
馃煛鈿笍鈿笍馃煝馃煛
馃煣馃煝鈿笍馃煛馃煝not wordle, just some fried rice 鈽猴笍
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.