WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
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Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan