My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
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I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
This meal prepping shit easy
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.