I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
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“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.