My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
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Venn
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
sir, my pâté if you please
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”