Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
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Wait a second…
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener