I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
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Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,