It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
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Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I’m listening