There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
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HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?