Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
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Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.