My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
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[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Ain’t no way
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Ooh I do like a good funnel
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.