Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
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”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.