I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
You Might Also Like
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Always the camel, never the toe.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice