I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
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Flowers bee like
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
You got this…
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts