When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
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If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
so much to do
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
stand with me against insufficient seating
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Who says great literature is dead?
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
This is why I hate group projects
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea