an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
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I’m putting together a team
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.