COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
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[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Labreador
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb