The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
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A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
me 2 months after i graduated
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?